SYDNEY — “Australians” is a difficult language that many across the world struggle to understand. Yet a new hilarious web series, ‘How to Talk Australians’, by Australian film director Tony Rogers and writer Rob Hibbert, attempts to cut through the crap by taking on the issues of racism, slang and humour.
Although some are apparently raising their eyebrows at the jokes, if you understand the concept of ‘taking the piss’* you’ll probably get a good chuckle out of it.
The eight-part mockumentary series documents a parody Indian call centre as they teach their employees how to “speak Australians”.
The videos (NSFW) take a satirical look into the ridiculous aspects of the Australian stereotype. Here’s what we didn’t really want to world to know.
1. Derogatory put downs are acceptable and encouraged
From “you long piece of pelican sh*t” to “you dole-bludging pissant”, bagging your best mate out with low blows is a national pastime.
Besides common insults, everyday Australian nicknames that you need to master to make life-long friends include “wanker”, “dickhead”, “sh*t for brains” and “dumbass”.
2. “Grub” is the national dish, which consists mainly of meat
Grub is also known as food. Every Aussie family consumes three and a half lambs a fortnight, which the episode says is the equivalent of eating one horse a week. It’s true, the national dish is meat and three vege. Any meat will do and have a trailer load ready. If you don’t spend Australia Day eating lamb and drinking beer, you may as well move to Ecuador.
Get used to a diet of Chiko Rolls and meat pies. On weekends, Aussies indulge in a “Barbie” and a few schooners of beer at the local pub, where you can win a meat tray in a favourite Australian competition, the meat raffle. Don’t get your snags (sausages) or chops (lamb cut) confused, or your lambingtons and lamingtons. And always cover everything in tomato sauce.
3. Rhyming slang will set you apart from the locals
If you can understand this video, you are more Australian than any Australian. Don’t expect an Aussie to know what the “bloody hell you’re talking about though”.
4. Australian “celebrities” are racist or dead
Australia is known for Mel Gibson, Pauline Hanson, Michael Hutchence and Steve Irwin. If you’re not racist or haven’t had an untimely death, you are nothing to us.
5. You are no one without a nickname
Don’t even think about calling anyone by his or her actual name. Australians are incredibily lazy so the least amount of syllables the better. To fit in, add an ‘o’ or ‘a’ to the end of a shortened version of your first name. Throw in a ‘z’ for extra attitude. For example, David will become ‘Davo’, Jonathon will become ‘Jono’, Sharon will become ‘Shazza’ and Assanita will become ‘Arse’.
If this doesn’t give you enough street cred, try and mix up your surname. Matt Gibson will be called ‘Gibbo’, Bill McDonald will take on ‘Macca’ and John Farnham will become ‘Farnsey’.
6. All Australians are lazy, embrace it
90% of people live by the ocean, not because they like to swim “but because they couldn’t be bothered going further inland”. Australians are so lazy they invented a clothesline that spins called the Hills Hoist so you don’t have to move when you hang out the washing.
Australians love their holidays and “buggering off” to a crappy caravan park near the beach. Swimming, surfing, fishing are all part of the typical Aussie holiday. Most workers receive four weeks a year of annual leave plus public holidays. Do not contact them on these days.
Some days of note: Labor Day, Anzac Day, Melbourne Cup Day, Grand final day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Easter Friday, Easter Saturday, Easter Sunday, Easter Monday, Bank Holiday, Proclamation Day, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, New Year’s Day, Australia Day, Queen’s Birthday, May Day, January.
Need more holidays? Chuck a “sickie” (sick day) by telling your boss you’re “up the duff” (pregnant).
7. The dangers of living in the land Down Under
2000 flies per person that you must kill with a fly swatter and sharks that attack victims in a tent are just some of the very serious dangers in Australia. Probably best to not visit. It’s wild.
8. How to pass the citizenship test
Have a spoonful of the yeast paste Vegemite. Answer a question about Don Bradman. Mourn Chopper. Sing the first verse of the Australian anthem. And you’re in.
*Taking the piss = this is all absolute garbage. Except the shark attacks in a tent.
Have something to add to this story? Share it in the comments.
